Saturday, June 1, 2013

What We'll Do on Our Soccer Vacation

This was the last soccer week of the spring season, and I'm the only one left in the family who will miss soccer when it's gone. That's not true, I won't miss it at all, either. But it's just easier to say I'll miss it more than my wife since she lugged three kids there every week while I worked in the climate-controlled office.

Don't worry, she says, there will be plenty of other activities to consume our free time in the near future, and soccer will always be around again in the fall if we ever need to frantically look for oversized socks on Saturday mornings. (Hint: We will.)

Let's take a look at what we will do to pass the time on weekends until soccer starts up again:

1. I'm starting a strict regimen of, one day a week, waking up at 3:30 AM, driving 400 miles to an empty ice rink, getting a cheese pretzel and a hot chocolate, then turning around and driving home. This will prepare me for when the three-year-old starts playing hockey. I'll also start taking massive payroll deductions at work and have that cash deposited into a separate account known as the toilet. That will prepare me financially for hockey.

1a. I'll clean the garage for the first time since 2006, and for no good reason whatsoever, since it will be wrecked again by mid-June.

1b. I'll teach the kids to play euchre and smoke cigarettes, so they don't ask me to play Very Hungry Caterpillar any more. This might be the games version of my introducing them to Tom and Jerry three years ago out of complete dread for yet another Yo Gabba Gabba marathon. And yes, rather than exposing them to Reality TV, I'd rather teach the kids to smoke.

2. The six-year-old will use the extra time to memorize more ALF episodes. I'm disappointed how horrible that show actually was compared to what I remember. There are only so many of those, though, so then she'll move on to...

2a. Memorizing Full House episodes. Not nearly as disappointed, still just as horrible. Also, if she started looking for all her shoes now, she'll have found them by the start of next school year.

3. The three-year-old will use the extra time to complain that he's not getting enough iPad time. And he'll ask me to wipe his butt often.

4. The Mrs. vows to clean the laundry room, which sounds redundant, but it doubles as our paper product storage unit and triples as her teachery-stuff storage unit, then given our lackadaisical attitude toward laundry, it also acts as our clothing storage unit. She's also volunteered me to help her, but to make any real progress there, we will have to rent a real storage unit, toss a Leapster in the middle and lock it after the kids dive in.

5. The one-year-old has signed up for a summer session of Advanced Walking 503, to avoid some of the pitfalls the Beginner and Intermediate walkers struggle with-- hills, driveways, walking with one shoe off and one on, steps, and not stubbing your toe on the damned high chair.  (I could use a remedial class on that one...) He has already busted his lip open more often than his two siblinbgs combined, so he has vowed to improve this important skill. He has already began running before he's mastered walking. I've heard you can't do that.

5a. He also plans to continue to practice for the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, and by the time the decade's out, he, Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi will be indistinguishable. My money's on the youngster.

6. The girl also has a dance recital coming up soon. The recital will last 2 hours of real time, 5 hours of virtual time. Plus the dance school releases a video of the entire recital, which we will of course purchase, and of course memorize over the summer through repeated viewings. I have no idea what the theme of this recital is, and it became even less evident when I learned that my daughter's age group will be dancing to the song "Fly" by Sugar Ray. So apparently it's "Why We Hated the '90s." Wonder which age group will be responsible for the "Color Me Badd Musical Revue."

7. But mostly we all plan to sleep in a few extra hours...HA!

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