The Corporal Acts of Parenthood - Volume 1

1. Feed the hungry.
2. Give water to the thirsty.
3. Give Mott's for Tots to the thirsty.
4. Give Gogurt to both the hungry and the thirsty.
5. Re-feed the hungry who said they weren't hungry the first time.
6. Burp the gassy.
7. Clothe the naked.
8. Bathe the stinky.
9. Change the poopy.
10. Powder the naked.
11. Apply Aquaphor to the naked.
12. Chase the naked down the hall.
13. Chase the naked up the hall.
14. Then clothe the naked.
15. Shelter the homeless.
16. But banish the co-sleeping.
17. Bury the dead.
18. Flush the dead.
19. Replace the dead.
20. Eulogize the dead in the backyard.
21. Visit the sick.
22. Identify the faking.
23. Gingerly handle the puke-stricken.
24. Visit the imprisoned.
25. Lift the imprisoned out of the playpen.
26. Reward the well behaved.
27. Discipline the ornery.
28. Bribe the ornery.
29. Comfort the afflicted.
30. Band-Aid the afflicted.
31. Kiss the afflicted on the affliction.
32. Forgive offenses willingly.
33. Except when it involves lipstick or grape juice.
34. Bear wrongs patiently.
35. Except when it involves finger paint or toothpaste.

Perform at least half of these acts in your lifetime and you are eligible for sainthood. Perform them all and punch your ticket to the Parenting Hall of Fame.