Parenting Pyramid

We're playing Parenthood Pyramid today. If you're not familiar with the rules and procedures for playing the bonus round of the old $25,000 Pyramid, hosted by Dick Clark, you can see it played at its finest here. In the interest of equal time, if you want to see how hard it usually is, click here but skip to the part where they actually play the game. 

We're not playing today with Billy Crystal or Vicki Lawrence or that other guy, we're playing with Phyllis Diller. I don't know why. So strap yourself in, literally, put 60 seconds on the clock, cue the knife-in-the-back, psycho-sounding counting down seconds that only serve to add to the tension and get ready to play Parenthood Pyramid.

For 25,000 dollars. Here is your first subject. Go!

Phyllis Diller: Blocks. Books.

Me: Things kids play with?

PD: Blocks, trucks, mom's hair dryer...

Me: Things my kids use as blunt object weapons

<applause>

PD: "Well, I fell face first into the corner of the coffee table the other day and nobody moved an inch to help me. My dad even seemed genuinely annoyed. I'm sure when my Princess big sister did the same thing 5 years ago, they debated calling the god-damned ambulance..."

Me: Things a third child would say...

<applause> 

PD: Ketchup, mustard...

Me: condiments?

PD: Ketchup...mayonnaise... mustard...uhhh...

Me: Things you put on a sandwich...things you put on a hot dog...

PD: KETCHUP. 12,000 cheese doodles...

Me: What my 3-year-old ate for dinner last night

<applause>

PD: The Infantino Go Ga Ga Deluxe Twist and Fold Gym, the Fisher-Price Snugamonkey Deluxe Newborn Rock 'n' Play Sleeper

Me: <shaking my head>

PD: The Fisher-Price Discover 'n' Grow Kick & Play Piano Gym

Me: <shaking my head> Pass

PD: Pass

Dick Clark: Next...

PD: The bathroom. The garage. The shed...

Me: Parts of your house

PD: <nodding> The garage, the kitchen, the bathroom...

Me: Rooms in your house...bad places to have lit candles...

PD: <nodding furiously> The BATHROOM...the kitchen. The BATHROOM.

Me: Places I can never go by myself for 2 minutes

<applause>

PD: Diaper rash. Uhhh... <struggling, pausing> Severe diaper rash.

Me: Pink things that show up on your ass.

PD: Diaper rash,  mosquito bites...

Me: Things that hurt, things you probably shouldn't scratch, things you put ointment on...

PD: <nodding> Mosquito bites; screaming contests; excessive bathtub splashing; dump trucks in the toilet; anything that talks like Elmo, Chica, or Caillou; lost shoes; the impossibly high number of snaps at the bottom of a toddler's pair of sweatpants...

Me: Things that are irritating.

<applause> (and maybe a "woo" from the crowd)

Dick Clark: Hurry, hurry!

PD: <flustered> Uhh....uhhhhhh... the Skip Hop Hug-N-Hide Tummytime Mat that looks like an owl, the Bright Starts Pretty in Pink Giggle Garden Activity Gym, the Infantino Go Ga Ga Deluxe Twist and Fold Gym....

Me: <equally flustered> Umm...uhhh...

Buzzer: BUUUUUUZZZZZ

Me: <sighing, leaning back in chair> Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

PD: <sighing, leaning back in chair> Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Crowd: <sighing> Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....

Dick Clark: <with hand on my back> Let me see if I can help here. A pacifier.

Me: <rolling my eyes> Baby things! I should have known that...I even have kids back at home in Delaware...

Dick Clark: Well that is a shame. Let's see here, 3, 550, 7, 8 hundred and 50 dollars.

PD: <to me> I'm so sorry.

Me: <to PD, as I shake her hand with both of my hands and as we outro to a NutraSweet commercial, barely audible over the music> It's OK Phyllis, I should have known it...  

Join us next week when we our guests are Teresa Ganzel and, from Hotel, Nathan Cook. For now, Dick Clark, so long.

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up." Phyllis Diller