Friday, October 10, 2014

Decisions, Decisions: "Pee" is for Playground

Parents make hundreds of decisions every day, not all of them involving pizza toppings or vaccinations. (One of those is harder than you think.) But as parents we make our money when we make the decisions in between. We have to be able to think fast, think clearly, think coherently, and absent any of those conditions, just ask the other parent. Or any parent. Just find a responsible parent immediately.

Today we have a situation that calls for the coherence and quick thinking that only an experienced parent can muster. I said "experienced" not "old." So let's turn this thing over to my old childhood friend Lynne who recently faced a scenario that no parent envies. That time I said "old."

So you've seen the title. Back when I was a working girl (no, not that kind, get your mind out of the gutters, I'm a freakin PMP --Project Management Professional-- for goodness sakes), I would pick up my son from school from kiss and ride. "Kiss and Ride" is the nice name for "if you live within a mile from the school, you get to drive your kid to and from school every day." I don't work anymore. (Define work?) But, I get to hang out with the cool moms at the playground after school. We set up our soccer chairs, talk about our haircuts, and now that I'm officially in the fold, I get to bring my dog.
Let's stop right there for a second. A Kiss and Ride? I'd never heard of such a thing. Sounds like a good idea, even for DC. Do they have these on Capitol Hill?

But then I broke my foot.  
Lynne has broken every bone in her body twice. She'll start Round 3 at the bottom I guess. By Halloween I expect a profile pic of her wrapped entirely in gauze but not because it's Halloween.

Those who know me well enough, know this isn't a rare thing. So I was on crutches. And then my kid did the "mom mom mom I have to pee! Noooowwwwww!" In the middle of the playground. The school is closed. No port a potty. I'm screwed. So... what do you do?  
Quick, parents, what do you do? Your kid is on the playground, has to pee, eyes about to explode, dancing the Dance of Shame in front of everybody, grabbing himself ferociously which puts the shame in the Dance of Shame, for SOME reason there is no port-a-potty on a playground in front of a school. There is no time to waste. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO? HURRY. I HAVE TO PEE! NOOOOOWWWW!!

This is Reason #357 to never potty-train your kids. Kids in diapers never have this problem. Parents of kids in diapers never have this problem. Only "big kids" and their parents have this problem. Keep your children young forever by never potty-training them.

Frankly I'd tell my kids to hold it until we got somewhere with a toilet. They might protest a little, or a lot, but deep down I know and they know they can hold it. But I also know my kids have bladders the size of potato sacks. The 5-year-old, in fact, has the superhuman ability to not pee before bed AND not pee the bed that same night. He is also born with a biological clock that wakes him at precisely the proper time in the dead of night to come over to OUR bathroom, NOT turn the light on, pee directly into the bowl with a force that would break glass, then try to crawl into bed with us. (Oh no you don't, kid.) Your kid may be a superhero, but mine can pee in the dark with a perfectly acceptable margin of error-ish. Win.

But that's just my kid. What did a hobbled Lynne do in the same situation? Let's find out!

A teacher friend of mine was there and offered to take him into the woods. He (my kid) NEVER would have made it home. So we peed in the woods. 
Lynne doesn't have a little girl, does she? 

And then seventeen other kids had to pee in the woods.
This is brilliant. A Peed Piper tale if ever we heard one.

As you can see, there is no right answer to this question, Though there are seemingly dozens of wrong answers. The key is to know as much about your kids as possible without wiring out your brain. Height, weight, and allergies to medicines that may cause their face to shrivel are all important. But sometimes Bladder Size is the single most important thing you can know, and it informs your decision whether to go search out a gas station bathroom or just go in the woods. I think Lynne made the right call. 17 kids peeing in the woods is better than one peeing in his pants.

Have a tough call for Decisions, Decisions? Drop it in the comments.

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